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About Dating Update About Dating  
RSS 6 |  About Dating

Lying Online

I've found that a select few singles lie about their height, weight, age, marital status (or other demographic information) online, but that in general most people are honest regarding who they are. Now, that isn't saying that people use photos on their online dating profiles that are truthful (or at the very least, recent), and a recent OkCupid study found that the hotter the online dating photo, the more likely it was an older picture.

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(Published: Wed, 17 Aug 2011 00:17:41 +0000)

My First Date

It's a tricky thing, defining your very first date. Was it the first time someone kissed me romantically (grade 3 at summer camp), or when someone actually used the word 'date' when asking me to go for coffee (not until I was 26)? I've shared my definition of dating in a prior blog post, so I'm going to put it to the test here and share my first date story. In turn, I'd love to hear yours as well, and how you decided it was your very first date.

My first date took place when I was in Grade 8 and sleeping away from home for the weekend at a Youth for Global Awareness Conference. The boys and girls were separated into dorms at the local University, and after the main events took place most of the attendees retired to one of the dorm's chill rooms to watch TV, sing, talk or generally act silly. I distinctly remember Midnight Oil's 'Beds are Burning' playing behind me when a boy by the name of Jakob walked over and told me I had cute knees. It took me a while to realize he was making a play on my last name (Albo), so he pointed to my elbow and asked, "Are they bony too?" This time, the play on my first name (Bonny) got me laughing.

Jakob then asked me if I wanted to come with him and a few other folks who were heading down to the beach for a bonfire. I jumped up, took the hand he'd extended toward me, and ran out the door with him to join his friends from a local school. I saw one of my classmates on the way down to the beach, and she decided to join us as well.

I didn't know how far the beach was, or how treacherous the walk would be, and if I'd known I probably wouldn't have agreed to the trek. It was dark, and under the cover of thick, old, massive trees, it was cold and difficult to see much of anything. I fell a few times on the tree branch stairs before Jakob found me, grabbed my hand, and escorted me the 30 or so minutes down the trail.

A few people sang as we walked, and others chatted quietly. Jakob and I said nothing, but he stroked my hand gently as we moved. After a while we fell into a rhythmic pattern with our breathing and footsteps in synch. Occasionally the moon would poke out from behind the upper tree branches, and Jakob would squeeze my hand and pull me faster toward the bonfire. Once, when I tripped and almost fell over what seemed like a high ledge, Jakob pulled me to my feet swiftly and then kissed me on the lips. I wasn't expecting it, and I blushed immediately. By that point, I wasn't tripping anymore because I couldn't see, but because I was giddy and shaking with excitement.

When we go to the bottom, a gorgeously long sandy beach awaited us with about 20 other kids already dancing and sitting around the fire. I moved away from the group and sat on a piece of driftwood. There were faint lights along the water, perhaps from boats moored out in the ocean but mostly likely from an island that I couldn't see. I sat by myself for a while, comfortable to enjoy the evening air solo. Jakob joined me a few minutes later with two female friends and introduced us all. I don't remember their names, but the two girls and I were pen pals for several years after that first meeting on the beach, and I still have some of their handwritten letters socked away today.

Somehow the conversation moved to gender and sexuality, and Jakob mentioned that he was gay. He held me hand as he said it, and looked deeply into my eyes like only the naive and young seem apt to do. The air seemed thick with romanticism. Many years later I learned about pansexuality and immediately thought of Jakob, but at the time it had no bearing. He was beautiful to me with his long, thick blond hair, clear blue eyes and steady hand holding mine. I didn't care what gender he was attracted to. I just knew I was attracted to him.

The group of talked for hours it seemed, while occasionally I'd see someone head back up the trail out of the corner of my eye. Within a few hours most people had left, including one of the girls sitting with us. We moved closer to the fire to keep warm, but not before Jakob turned to me and announced he had a poem he wanted to share. I don't remember the exact words, but I remember something about love and the ocean while feeling sad and melancholy after hearing it.

When the sun came up we sat quietly and watched it, and then told each other we'd all stay in touch after this night no matter what. Jakob and I didn't kiss again, but he did hold my hand the whole way up to the residence, and then spent most of his weekend with me when we weren't at the conference.

The four of us (Jakob, the two girls and myself) wrote letters to each other every week for several years. Slowly however Jakob's letters dwindled, until I stopped receiving them late in Grade 10. One of the girls sent me a note about six months later to tell me Jakob had tried to hurt himself. That was the last I heard from any of them.

A sad ending perhaps, but still a date that I'll cherish forever. Would Jakob have called it a date? I'm not sure really, but even if he didn't, it was still one of the most romantic nights of my life.

So readers, how about you? Tell us about your first date, what made it special, silly, fun, or not-to-be-repeated? Did you have to think about what you considered as your first date, or was it an easy choice?

Many About.com Guides are talking about their first time doing something related to their topic of expertise today. Interested in hearing more? Check out all the My First Time entries care of our inaugural host, About.com's Guide to Beer, Bryce Eddings.

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(Published: Mon, 08 Aug 2011 11:59:39 +0000)

Would You Leave Your Partner If They Gained Weight?

AskMen spoke to 70,000 of their male readers recently, asking them a slew of questions about their girlfriends, sex lives, and dating preferences. One of the more shocking results (in my opinion) was the question regarding their partner's weight - namely, if their partner gained weight during the relationship, would they end things?

The AskMen readers were split almost 50/50 between a yes/no answer, with the no vote winning by a slight 4% margin. Surprising? For me, yes, but it also lead to a host of other questions. Would women asked the same question answer in the same vein? How old were the men in the survey? How long were these men in a relationship (if at all) and had they ever actually ended a relationship because their partner gained 'too much' weight? How much is too much weight to gain before ending things?

So dear readers, I'm asking you: how much is too much weight? Is a relationship doomed when one of you gains weight?

Related: How Much Do Looks Matter?, Would You Date Someone Who Is Plain?, Is He Interested Quiz.

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(Published: Thu, 04 Aug 2011 12:37:01 +0000)

Is There A Right Way To Ask The Moving In Question?

Last week I walked into a local retail store and the owner struck up a conversation with me. "What do you do for a living?" she asked. When I answered, her eyes lit up and she started to tell me about a friend of hers whose 6 month long boyfriend had popped the moving in question the night before. Her cautious response - could she think about it and maybe they could discuss it more later - was met with anger. Eventually, her bf decided to recant his offer because she "didn't immediately jump at the suggestion".

Here's the thing: sure, there is something to be said for being impulsive, acting in the moment and letting passion reign. Telling someone "I love you," is a leap of faith, and asking someone about moving in is a similar proposition. You have to know the person really well, or at least know they really need a place to stay. (Ok, I'm joking on that last one, but it's not that uncommon either in today's economic climate).

So although I understand the gent's reaction and disappointment, I didn't understand his recanting the moving in offer. Perhaps he felt he had jumped the gun a bit and was embarrassed, but I didn't hear enough of the story to be sure. I did however applaud the woman in the equation for standing her ground. She wasn't bullied or coerced into making a decision she wasn't ready to. And frankly, it's doubtful the gent had never though of her moving in before the conversation took place either; he likely stewed it over for some time before he asked. So why shouldn't the person moving in be offered the same courtesy? Moving in is a huge decision, especially after only six months of dating.

I've got to stop by the store again to hear what the outcome was of the moving in conversation, but I'm curious as to what you all think. Do you think there is a right way to ask the moving in question, and if so, what is it? Do you think this man was in error, and do you feel the woman in the relationship did the right thing?

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(Published: Sun, 31 Jul 2011 16:38:53 +0000)

Is It Ok For Her To Oogle? Reader Dating Question

Jeff asks: "Me and my girlfriend have been dating for nearly four months now. Throughout the whole time I've noticed that when we are together she often oogles other guys. She rarely stares long because if she does she knows I will see her looking. I've confronted her about it once before but it still happens. There is one guy in particular that she seems fond of and it bugs me. What should I do? What does this mean? Is she losing interest? Am I wrong for being upset about this?"

My opinion? You're taking things a bit too seriously. Do you not oogle women at all when you're out and about? Sure, she could be a bit more respectful if she's oogling guys in front of you non-stop, especially if you've mentioned it to her before. But in the grand scheme of life, she's being appreciative of others and not much more.

Now, if she's leering and can't keep her eyes off every hot guy that walks by or if she ignores you completely for five or more minutes at a time to oogle someone - then there's a problem. But you even say she doesn't "do it for long" because you believe she's trying to be respectful to you. To me, that says a lot, and in a positive way. Her natural tendency (from what you've shared) is to oogle other guys, but she's trying to reign it in for you.

Does this spell disaster for your relationship? It could if it matters so much to you that the behavior has to stop cold turkey for you to feel appreciated by your girlfriend - and this is perfectly acceptable if that's a requirement for you, just be aware it may not be something your girlfriend can give you. Some people are natural flirts and others are naturally appreciative. If the oogling is coming in between the two of you to the point of you considering ending things, or if it makes you wonder if she's looking elsewhere, try turning the tables for a day. Don't say anything, but when the two of you are out and about one day, oogle as many women as she does men in the exact same way. If she notices and says something, shrug your shoulders and give her the same response she gave you when you confronted her on the topic. She'll likely get the hint and work harder to change her own behavior. And if she doesn't? Then you know there is a major incompatibility between the two of you (to oogle is acceptable for her but not for you), and it may be time to reconsider your four month long relationship.

What do you think readers? Do you agree or disagree? Have you been in this situation? What did you do?

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(Published: Thu, 28 Jul 2011 11:55:42 +0000)

Dating Your Best Friend's Girl Reader Question

A gent who asked me to refer to him as "stricken" has written in asking for some advice about how he can turn a platonic relationship with his best friend's friends with benefits into a dating relationship for himself. Or in other words, he's looking to ask out the woman who his best friend has been intimate with for the past year.

Stricken says: "My best friend for many years has a friend with benefits he has been seeing for a little under a year now. He met her through a mutual friend and they drunkenly hooked up one night and continued the trend to this day. From the day I met this girl I have been crazy about her. Seeing her has been few and far between but when I do it makes my weak. She's gorgeous, funny, amazing personality, basically the whole package. Today me, this girl, my friend and another mutual friend spent the day together and me and this girl and I really hit it off. She completely ignored my friend and spend the entire day flirting and joking with me. When we split off she called me and we spent about 3 hours talking on the phone. I'm completely convinced she feels the same way about me that I feel about her. Now my best friend was recently talking to me about seeing if he could actually date this girl or not and my advice on it. I am a loyal friend and don't want to do anything that would jeopardize our friendship but I als can't get this girl out of my head. Do I just forget about her because there is no way of making this transition? The only thing I can think of that would make this work is if I can get him to date someone else soon and then I could move in on this girl. Any other ideas?

So readers, what advice do you have for Stricken?

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(Published: Sun, 24 Jul 2011 02:07:43 +0000)

Can I Make Him Want More Than Friends With Benefits?

Melanie asks: I am 20, single and am seeing this 24-year-old guy named Adam. When we met a month ago we went on a date to go see a movie, and it was obvious that we liked each other. Our second date we went to his house, watched a movie and then became friends with benefits. About 20 days ago and handful of dates later, and I told him that I wanted a relationship with him because I liked him so much, and that friends with benefits wasn't working for me anymore. His response? "I'm not looking for a relationship."

Two days ago I asked him out, but he replied quite angrily, "I already told you I don't want a relationship!" Yet just before I asked him out he said he thought about me the day before, and that he wanted to cuddle with me even though he normally hates it.

I really want a relationship with Adam and not just a friends with benefits relationship! Is there any way I can convince him?

Bonny's response: It's highly unlikely that you'll ever get more from this guy other that what you've already had. If you want more than friends with benefits, it's time to end the interaction and find someone who wants the same thing you do, as he's been very clear with you that he's not interested in anything else. Try next time you meet someone you're attracted to and interested in to be upfront from the start about what you're looking for. In the meantime? Forget about this guy. Don't call, email, text or otherwise get in contact with him. Don't reply to his obviously disrespectful requests - you don't want just sex while he's pushing for it - and invest your energy into meeting someone who is on the same page and respectful of your needs.

But you tell me readers: can Melanie turn this friends with benefits relationship into something more? If so, how? If no, why not? Or, share your friends with benefits story.

Another reader Friends with Benefits question

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(Published: Fri, 22 Jul 2011 02:00:51 +0000)

Reader Question About Attraction For Married Coworker

Jennifer asks: "I need tips and hints for an attraction I have to a co-worker that's married. He's made comments to me and to others at work that things are not great at home. I don't want to be a home wrecker but I also don't want to pass on a chance with a great guy. We've only flirted with each other, nothing serious has been said or done between us."

Jennifer, I'm going to be frank with you, and I'll hazard a guess you won't like my response by the way you've phrased your question. But here it is: there are oodles of single, available, attractive, 'great' guys. Why would you put yourself out there for someone who is obviously, completely unavailable, and may never be anything else as it stands now?

It sounds like there is a lot going on behind the scenes with this gentleman, most of which already says a lot about who he is, and what kind of person he'll be in a relationship: he openly talks to coworkers about his personal issues (would you want him to blab about the two of you at the office?), and he is using the attraction between you to take the edge off of the unhappiness in his marriage (would you feel comfortable if he flirted with other coworkers when things were rough, if you ever got together?).

Even so, he's not available. You've stated you don't want to be a home wrecker - so don't be. If his marriage ends, let it be because it wasn't meant to be and not because of temptation from elsewhere. If they do separate, and if you're still single a year after that happens, then you can think about acting on your attraction. Until then? Put him out of your mind, ponder why you'd choose someone who is unavailable, focus on the things that make you feel amazing about yourself, and work on meeting someone and/or attracting a guy who is ready and able to give you the kind of relationship you deserve from the start.

Related: Attracting Positive Relationships, Attract A Love Relationship Using Feng Shui, When Not To Date.

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(Published: Wed, 20 Jul 2011 17:04:46 +0000)

Money Ain't No Thing...

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(Published: Fri, 15 Jul 2011 02:41:01 +0000)

What Breakup Songs Do You Like?

I've found myself a tad brokenhearted of late. Whenever that happens, I usually crave hard-hitting, raw songs that really resonate with how I'm feeling. If I can stomp around to it while walking about getting some fresh air, it's usually a winner in my books.

A couple of CDs in particular have helped me through heartache in the past, namely Alanis Morrisette's Jagged Little Pill and Low Millions' Ex-Girlfriends (although lead singer Adam Cohen's debut CD Cry Ophelia also has some appropriate tracks). There is something about their lyricism and gut-wrenching honesty that I find not only refreshing but comforting. Yet other friends of mine prefer songs that offer a bit of softness; something gentle and kind that we can cry to, remember with fondly, or otherwise pamper ourselves while coping with a breakup.

What breakup songs have helped you? Do you have favorites that you lean on when the going gets rough? Why those songs?

Related: Feel Better After A Breakup, Kick Bad Habits After A Breakup, What Not To Do After A Breakup

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(Published: Tue, 12 Jul 2011 02:26:19 +0000)

Keeping Safe Online

I've noticed a larger than average number of bad online dating stories hitting the news of late discussing court cases related to online daters who abused the system and cheated someone out of money, sex, intimacy, household items, or more nefarious things I'd rather not go into here.

For instance, the Brisbane Times ran an article about 47-year old Des Campbell, a single-parent widower who claimed to be a childless divorcee to seduce dozens of women into sexual relationships, and who was questioned at the inquest of his wife's death.

Although there is no way to keep yourself absolutely safe when meeting people - whether from an online dating site or a random stranger on the street - there are some tactics I'd highly recommend to anyone wanting to avoid these kinds of situations, and they all have to do with timing.

When meeting someone initially from an online dating site, many people wait too long to meet someone they feel a spark with. It's a simple concept really: the longer you wait to meet someone, the less real-world information you have about them. Body language, the tone of their voice and chemistry are all removed from the decision-making process, and in its place an element of fantasy comes into play. Instead, if you meet someone online you feel connected to, try and meet them within the week of first interacting for a quick first date.

The other issue of dating timing stems from getting to know someone too quickly and assuming information not already proven. Fiction writers know the adage, "Show, don't tell," by heart, and you should too when meeting someone from an online dating site. Pay more attention to what your date does than what they say to get a better indication of who they are. Then, allow yourself more than enough time to really get to know a person before sharing any identifying information, such as where you work or your home phone number. Jumping into something can be a heady, exhilarating treat, but what if the consequences far outweigh the short-term fun?

What do you think? What do you do that's out of the ordinary to keep yourself safe when meeting someone new? Or, does staying safe when meeting folks even cross your mind?

Related: Reader-Suggested Safe Dating Tips, How To Find a Safe Dating Site, Number Cloak Service, Signs of an Online Dating Scam.

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(Published: Sun, 10 Jul 2011 21:21:13 +0000)

Do You Google Your Date?

In an online world where everyone is truly connected within six degrees or less, Susi Weaser made an interesting point on her blog, DollyMix: watch how much personal information you share with your date, and be even more careful with how you tell your friends about said date.

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(Published: Fri, 08 Jul 2011 06:11:57 +0000)

Solo Travel as a Means to Meet People

Ever wanted to take a vacation but hated the idea of going somewhere exotic, alone? I've opted not to travel too much for this reason alone, as I'd much rather share the journey with someone I care about and can talk about the great experiences for years to come. But, with the influx of travel companies catering to solo travelers in the past couple of years, being single isn't an excuse any more. Now, companies like Singles Cruises and Meet Market Adventures cater to not only people who prefer to travel by themselves, but singles looking to meet someone special while on the journey.

I personally think this is an excellent idea, and would love to try it. What about you? Have you attended a singles travel event, or met someone while traveling as a single person? Would you recommend it to other singles?

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(Published: Wed, 06 Jul 2011 00:06:05 +0000)

Fake Dating Site Warns of STD Risk

An unusual marketing campaign by Canadian Alberta Health Services educates youth about the risks of syphillis by using a fake STD dating site, displaying 'members' with sores and rashes looking for casual sex.

PlentyOfSyph (a play on popular free dating site Plenty of Fish) looks like a normal dating site until you try to sign up. With slick, tongue-in-cheek videos and ads, 'members' prominently display their stage of syphilis and what they want in a sex partner, as well as unsafe sex practices and what symptoms they currently struggle with. The first tip-off for me was that only Albertans can sign up, as well as the lowered acceptable age range for members of 16 and up. It didn't take me long however to determine that the site was more of a public service announcement than legitimate, as evidenced by the popup when I tried to contact someone: "Interesting choice; you've selected a secondary stager. Too bad you won't have a choice of where the wart-like rashes will pop up on your body."

What do you think about health organizations using fake dating sites as a means to connect with youth to discuss casual dating and the risks of unprotected sex? Does it dilute the message from real STD dating sites that want to serve the market with dignity and respect?

Related: Would You Date Someone With an STD?, What Are The Symptoms of Syphilis?, Safe Sex Passport, STD Chats.

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(Published: Tue, 05 Jul 2011 01:16:06 +0000)

Does Speed Dating Work?

Since 1989 when the first ever speed dating event took place, speed dating has become not only a fantastic way to meet a lot of eligible singles in a short period of time, but a money-maker for numerous companies looking to capitalize on the hordes of singles in want of a mate.

I've personally had mixed experiences with speed dating, with most of my positive experiences coming from companies who cared more about their members' success than the number of people in attendance or the kind of media an event may attract - but that's just me. I'm interested in hearing other people's experiences with speed dating, and what companies you'd recommend - and why. So you tell me: does speed dating work, and what are your experiences with it?

Related: What Is Speed Dating?, How To Speed Date, Reviews of Speed Dating Companies, Smell Dating For Speed Daters?

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(Published: Sun, 03 Jul 2011 05:29:00 +0000)

What Makes a Woman Sexy?

I read an article a few years back in Women's Health (Buy Direct) that talked about the male viewpoint of what makes a woman sexy. In a nutshell? It's all about the moments where women don't go out of their way to be sexy but rather when they just

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(Published: Wed, 29 Jun 2011 15:14:08 +0000)

The Perks of Dating a Single Parent

There's a lot of information on the 'net about how/when/if to date a single parent, and just as much content focuses on how to get back into the dating game after divorce, kids, or both. But who actually talks about the perks of dating single moms and dads?

So here is my personal list of the perks of dating a single parent. If you think I've missed an important point, then its your turn to add some perks in the comment field.

  • A single parent is less likely to waste your time, since they (probably) had to pay for child care or have their ex watch their child(ren) to go on a date with you.

  • Most single parents won't be pushing for a serious relationship early on, so as to avoid having their child(ren) involved unnecessarily.

  • On the flip side of the last perk, if the single parent you are dating has sole or shared custody, you can safely assume their commitment issues are minimal to nonexistent.

  • Single parents are some of the most patient people out there. They are also - by necessity - some of the most organized.

  • Becoming a parent is an evolutionary process; it changes people. Caring, tenderness, reliability and stability are all traits that, if not held prior to having kids, frequently appear after having children.

  • Single parents just don't have time for drama. You'll find few that play games.

  • You know that if a single parent wants to move towards a serious relationship with you, they've really vetted the relationship before taking the next step. Once bitten, twice shy lends itself well to this example.
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(Published: Tue, 28 Jun 2011 00:12:46 +0000)

Am I Dating a Liar? Dating Question

Fred asks: I'm 32, and I've been dating the same woman for the past two years. I love her, I think she's incredible, but I'm just learning now she's a pathological liar. For instance? She has a twelve-year-old daughter, but I've never heard of the child until recently. She's also told me she was raped, but that turned out to be a lie too. I really do care for this woman, but I'm confused and don't know what to do. Help?

So dear readers, do you have any suggestions for this gentleman who is torn between the truth and his partnership?

Related: He Lied About Contacting Other Women, What Do We Lie About Online?, Study Says People Lie More Via Email, Trust in New Relationships Dating Question.

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(Published: Sat, 25 Jun 2011 14:12:11 +0000)

Dating Disasters

We've all had them: you spent the whole night flinging your arms about telling your date tales of yonder, just to find out after you got home that your antiperspirant stopped working after five minutes into the evening. Your date went to the bathroom and never came back. You plan a special evening with your sweetie at a romantic jazz club, but when you get there your ex is there. And he's proposing. To the gal he cheated on you with.

My most mortifying dating disaster occurred while in line for drinks at a Grey Cup game. I got to the till with my date, who proceeded to order - but the gent behind the till only had eyes for me. Or, better, had eyes for my chest. Before I knew what he was doing, he yanked on a metal wire that was poking out between two buttons on my shirt - my bra's underwire. "What's this?!" he hooted at me. I quickly grabbed the C-shaped wire and twirled it around my fingers like it was an odd-shaped necklace. "Thanks! I was looking for that," I said. My date laughed uproariously, and we proceeded to have a lovely evening. Phew.

Not every dating disaster has to end with misfortune, and not every dating problem has to be stressful. Some readers and celebrities (including a headliner on The Bachelor) shared their stories in my Dating Disasters article, showing that you can deal with a sticky situation with class and humor. Have a bad dating story of your own to share? Feel free to tell us all the gory details: Share Your Bad Date Story

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(Published: Wed, 22 Jun 2011 02:17:49 +0000)

How Do You Know When You're In Love?

I don't get this question often from older folks (i.e. past their mid-twenties usually), but once in a while I get a dating question from a gent in his early

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(Published: Sun, 19 Jun 2011 14:33:11 +0000)

Chemistry.com Free Communication Weekend

Every few months Chemistry.com offers its members a full weekend where they can communicate with other members for free, without having to pay the registration fee. Unlike eHarmony, which only allows users to communicate with other members they're already well matched with, Chemistry.com doesn't force you to these restrictions. These kinds of programs are an excellent way to try out a site that you aren't 100% sure about, and want to see all the features in play before actually subscribing.

So this weekend, from Friday June 17th to Sunday June 19th, 2011, it's free to email or send icebreaker messages to other Chemistry.com members (Visit Website) - no credit card needed for sign up. Take a peek, and let me know what you think with your own, personalized review (Chemistry.com Review).

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(Published: Thu, 16 Jun 2011 23:55:42 +0000)

Have You Lived With Your Ex?

In a droopy economy with more cohabitating couples living together than married folk, it doesn't surprise me that a lot of us continue to live with our ex's (or live with our ex's, again) after breaking up. I recently heard of one couple that were married for more than a decade, had kids together, and broke up when the gent announced he's gay. I'm not sure the announcement came as a surprise, but the guy moved out onto another building on the same property, and the former couple now co-parent their children openly and lovingly.

So imagine my surprise when I hear a TV show - with a very similar premise - premiers tonight. Happily Divorced stars Fran Drescher (of The Nanny fame) as the ex-wife of a now openly gay man, who starts dating again while still living under the same roof as her ex.

I can see the potential humor in the situation, but also the potential blow ups, miscommunication and frustrations. If anything, I would think that living with an ex would be more challenging (by far!) than living together as a couple. But you tell me: have you ever lived with an ex? What prompted the situation? Was it a positive experience for you, and would you recommend it to other former couples?

Related: Are You Ready To Live Together?, Coming Out While Married, Dating After Divorce, Trailer for Happily Divorced.

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(Published: Wed, 15 Jun 2011 18:01:22 +0000)

Facebooking The Ex

A friend of mine asked me the other day if it was 'normal' for ex's to request my friendship over at Facebook. As in, did I have any ex's on Facebook, and how did I feel when they befriended me?

Interesting question, as I see this coming up in dating chats more often than even a year ago. It also was timely for me personally, as I had an ex add me to Facebook recently - one that gave me pause, as we hadn't dated (or spoken) in over 15 years.

So why would an ex add you to Facebook? Depending on the length of time its been since you've broken up, it might be innocuous: maybe they found you through a mutual friend and were curious to see how you're doing. Or, they could be wistful about the past hoping maybe you'll reconnect, similarly to why many folks attend reunions. There also might be an apology in the works or an attempt to gain some closure. But like many of us (my friend included) the fear is that the ex is either trying to keep dibs or employing some sort of online stalkerish-type behavior. In my case the ex was wanting to make amends, but my friend is still pondering the intelligence of adding an ex to his friends list.

In a world where most people can easily find each other online with some basic information, it's not a stretch to think that a select few will abuse technology in this fashion. Just like Googling your date is the norm now in certain age brackets, connecting with people from your past via social networking sites is also standard fare.

I suggested to my friend that he review About.com's Guide to Social Media, Linda Roeder's website, specifically, "How To Adjust Privacy Settings In Facebook," as currently, anyone can view his Facebook profile. Perhaps a bit too much information, considering. Yet at the same time, why the paranoia about someone you've dated? That was the stance I took, and readily accepted my former date into my circle of Facebook friends. But I didn't give him full access to my profile; that was my caveat.

How about you? Would you befriend an ex on Facebook? Why or why not? And if an ex tried to add you to their friends list, would you allow the connection?

Related: Facebook Dating, Safe Dating Tips.

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(Published: Sun, 12 Jun 2011 12:11:02 +0000)

How To Attract Someone Dating Question

Stephany asks: I am 33 years old and single. My problem is that almost every relationship I have ever been in has started as an introduction through a friend. As I am still single however, I think I need to do something different. But while I feel I am passably attractive, I'm not a woman who is proficient at the feminine art of attracting male attention, and I have been told that I'm too serious or that I don't give off friendly vibes. Any advice for someone like me who is seriously looking for something long term, on how to attract someone new?

Bonny's answer: Hi Stephany! Great question. One that I feel very connected to personally, because it wasn't that long ago that I could have shared the same story as you. I had clients that seemed to know intuitively how to attract someone, but I couldn't do it myself, and I felt a bit of a hypocrite trying to dole out advice advising readers about how to attract someone because of it. And then a good friend of mine showed me a book a changed my situation overnight.

The book, called The Surrendered Single (Buy Direct), discusses releasing our need to control outcomes in order to learn how to attract someone, although in this book's case it focuses specifically on women trying to attract a man. And although I didn't agree with everything the author suggested, I gleaned one of my favorite (and most effective) tips from that read, and it helped me tremendously to overcome the exact situation you're describing here.

In a nutshell, the author suggested taking a set period of time (I tried for a few hours one night walking downtown) and smiling at everyone I came across during that time frame. And not just any smile either: a genuine, full-faced smile that extended beyond just my physical presence. Yes, I realize this isn't easy to do, and no, I'm not suggesting you look like a weirdo with a fake grin plastered across your face. But do try it, just to see how people react differently to you.

I likened my smiling experiment as a real-world version of character building in a role playing game. I could control my charisma score instantly, just by smiling. Why? Because I became instantly attractive to folks I'd never even considered previously. People, literally, came up to me to comment on my smile or to start a random conversation with me. In the space of two hours I received three phone numbers, started countless conversations, and one group of gents asked me to join them for a couple of drinks.

The attract someone smiling rules are simple: smile genuinely and fully at everyone you encounter and without judgment. That last one is a bit of a doozy I'll admit, and I got wrapped up in it a couple of times. I hadn't realized that I 'choose' who to smile at before this experiment. Basically, if I didn't find the person physically attractive I didn't smile, and if I thought the person would ask me for something (like someone begging for change) I'd avoid eye contact completely. I didn't do this consciously, but once I examined my behavior, I changed - and so did the people around me.

Will you receive the same kind of response that I did? I'm not sure. But it can't hurt to try, either. Give yourself a time frame so it's not too overwhelming (or insincere). Say, an hour during your lunch break, or an afternoon spent at a coffee shop. I'll hazard that if nothing else, it'll do wonders for your self esteem and hopefully even attract someone new into your life.

What do you think, readers? Any suggestions that have worked for you?

Related: Attract Someone Myths, Pickup Lines, Attract Someone New Rules.

Follow me on Twitter, or join me on Facebook.

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(Published: Fri, 10 Jun 2011 00:46:11 +0000)

Do I Get a Fathers Day Gift for the Single Dad I'm Dating?

It's a simple question, and yet the answer can be a challenge depending on the status of your relationship. Are you dating the father of your own children, are you living with a single dad, or have you just recently met a single father and started dating him?

First off, receiving a Fathers Day gift from the person you're dating isn't expected in most circles, unless of course the two of you already have children together, so don't feel obliged to get anything. It may make him feel uncomfortable in the early stages of a relationship, as if you are trying to ingratiate yourself into his life before the relationship has had time to mature and evolve on its own.

Having said that, Fathers Day is an important celebration. Perhaps a reminder isn't necessary, but I highly doubt the Father in your life will complain about a day of pampering and/or thanks. Therefore, if you've met his child(ren) and have a relationship with them (hopefully this is only the case if the two of you have committed to a long term relationship), think about ways you can help the kids celebrate Fathers Day. Enable the child(ren) to give gifts of their own via family crafts, and you'll probably have given a much more precious gift than any purchased token or trinket, and one that will be remembered much longer.

And finally, for those dating single dads with whom they have children, are living with, or are engaged to, a Fathers Day gift is a lovely gesture.

But you tell me: would you want a Fathers Day gift from the person you are dating? Why or why not?

Related: The Perks of Dating a Single Parent, Single Parent Dating Sites, Single Parent Dating Advice.

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(Published: Thu, 09 Jun 2011 02:53:19 +0000)

Deciphering Online Dating Profiles

I got a giggle out of Joplin Globe's Anne Kettenbrink; her older Aunt is looking for love, so together they decided to fill out an online dating profile to test the dating waters in the St. Louis area.

The fact that a senior looking for love filled out an online dating profile isn't what made me smile however. In fact, the number of seniors using online dating sites is growing exponentially according to Nielsen/NetRatings, where on Match.com alone (Buy Direct), senior membership has more than tripled in four years. I not only find this news comforting, but exciting for those in the prime of their lives.

What made me titter was the fact that Kettenbrink's Aunt was having the same issues I, and probably anyone else using online dating sites to find love has: trying to read between the lines and decipher what an online dating profile actually means. First there's the 'rules' for dating, and then you have to figure out what all those dating acronyms mean. And don't get me started with the dating terms that only a few of us recognize, use, or understand completely (pansexual, poly, and casual dating all come to mind).

What dating terms, words, acronyms or sayings have tripped you up on dating profiles? Or, do you use any language specifically to attract certain types of singles?

Related: Dating Terms, Online Dating How To, Senior Dating Sites.

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(Published: Mon, 06 Jun 2011 00:08:11 +0000)

Are Dating Sites Trustworthy?

According to a 2007 poll conducted by ChristiaNet.com, some are - but most aren't.

Of the 313 poll respondents, 134 stated they were leery of dating sites in general because of past negative experiences, while another 122 responded that dating sites were not trustworthy. Only 57 of those polled from the faith-based site answered they did believe dating sites are trustworthy.

Still, finding a safe dating personals site shouldn't be a challenge for singles looking for a mate online, as there are numerous companies now catering to this concerned marketplace. Take, for instance, True.com, whose front page proudly proclaims, "We can't guarantee criminals won't get on the site, but we can guarantee they'll be sorry if they do." And not that long ago dating giant Match.com agreed to start screening for sex offenders in their database, in response to an ongoing court battle over a second date rape that occurred after the two folks on the date met via Match.com.

So what do you think? Can dating sites be trusted? Should dating sites do more about keeping their members safe, or is it more in the hands of the singles using their systems? Share your date safe tips, or let us know in the comments about your experiences.

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(Published: Sat, 04 Jun 2011 17:17:00 +0000)

Can You Predict Cheating?

A study titled, "Premarital Precursors of Marital Infidelity" discusses what behaviors a dating or engaged couple would be more likely to exhibit while still dating, so as to predict their potential for infidelity when married.

The study tested over 70 couples in the first year of marriage, using behaviors exhibited before marriage to demonstrate how likely cheating might occur. Men and women responded quite differently in the study. The men who cheated were more likely to:

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(Published: Wed, 01 Jun 2011 00:22:19 +0000)

Dating Coupons for Week Ending May 29th 2011

I'm getting a handful of emails every few weeks with links to dating site coupons, so I thought I'd share the wealth as I receive them. Be advised that most (but not all) paid dating sites require a credit card to sign up for a free trial period, and you'll need to manually cancel your trial or account so as not to get charged if you aren't happy with the service. Please note the coupon ending dates before using any of these coupons (although in most cases I couldn't find an end date), and feel free to share in the comments section whether they worked for you or not.

  • HurryDate: 25% off any speed dating event and one free month trial of online dating access. Use "BEACHBALL" (minus the quotes) when paying for the event to get the discount. Offer ends June 1, 2011.

  • PerfectMatch: Buy one month and get one month free (Buy Direct), buy two months and get two months free (Buy Direct), or get one month at 25% off (Buy Direct).

  • Chemistry.com: 14 day free trial (Buy Direct), or three months for the price of one (Buy Direct).

  • Match.com: 20% off (Buy Direct).
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(Published: Thu, 26 May 2011 22:11:48 +0000)

My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome Dating Question

Peach asks: "The other night my boyfriend started joking around about having a threesome with me. I laughed and told him sarcastically why not but I was joking too and I thought he knew that. Now he won't stop talking about it, asking me if I find this woman or that woman attractive and so forth. I have no idea how to tell him it's never gonna happen now. Help?"

Bonny's answer: You've run up against a definite difference between how men and women communicate. Without getting too stereotypical, let me say that when most men 'joke' about a threesome, they aren't joking. They're feeling the waters to see if you're able, willing and/or interested.

This isn't to say that every guy wants a threesome with his girlfriend or partner. Some do, some don't. Some just like the idea that they might have one, or want to fantasize with their lover about the possibility. So if he's truly joking around and has no intention of trying to make the idea a reality, I'd say have some fun and play along. He knows that the majority of heterosexual women aren't into threesomes; he just wants you to support his fantasy.

Having said that, your guy has started to take further steps towards making the dream a reality. If you're truly not interested at all in sharing him sexually with another woman, then it's time for some firmness. There's no beating around the bush here. The next time he brings up anything threesome-related, let him know in no uncertain terms you're not interested. Pause, look him in the eye, maybe even touch his arm gently, and say, "I know you're really excited about the idea of a threesome, but nothing in this world could convince me it's something I want. I don't mind hearing about your fantasies or even getting a bit playful with them, but a threesome will never be anything but imaginary for me." Cater the words to suit your personality and situation, but make the message the same. He'll stop asking you or pushing for answers, even if he doesn't stop thinking about it.

What say you, dear readers? What would you say if you were Peaches? Have you been in this, or a similar situation? What did you do?

Related: Male / Female Sexual Desires and the 'Threesome', All About Sexual Fantasy, Get Dating Help, Couples Communication Quiz.

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(Published: Thu, 26 May 2011 04:58:40 +0000)

Does He Like Me As a Friend, or More Dating Question

Michelle asks: I met a guy at a bar about two weeks ago. We exchanged numbers when we first met and he called me the next day to set up a double date a few days later. That went well, so we spent some time together at my place a few days after that. He then asked if I wanted to go out to lunch in a few days (which we are tomorrow). However, I'm not sure if he wants to date me or just be friends (we've kissed only once, and I was the one that made the move). He is shy and it is difficult to read him. He is a great guy and I want to date him, but how can I tell if he feels the same way? Or could I just be impatient? I've only known this guy two weeks now.

Bonny's answer: From what you've shared Michelle, I'd say that the two of you are dating already. (See The Definition of Dating for more about my take on why, and what I believe dating is today). You are spending time together to get to know one another better, and you both continue to instigate contact. Sure, you made the first move and kissed him, but what's to say he wouldn't have if you hadn't? And frankly, if someone doesn't want to kiss you, they won't.

I'd stop trying to push things further ahead then they need to be. Things sound great so far, and progressing in a way that many women wish the early stages of a relationship would. If in a week or two things haven't moved towards a discussion along these lines and you are still hanging out once or twice a week, I'd broach the subject gently, thoughtfully and playfully. "Is this a date? Because I'd like to think it is," with a twinkle in your eye might work, but let your own imagination and personality shine though. Then, let him answer at his own speed, and without pressure. If he decides the two of you aren't on the same page, you can start looking for someone else you'd like to date that suits your relationship needs.

What say you, dear readers? Do you think Michelle is being impatient? Does he like her as a friend or more?

Have a dating question you'd like answered? Try filling out the dating advice submission form, or jump in the dating forum if you'd like a faster response to a more urgent question.

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(Published: Sun, 22 May 2011 22:49:23 +0000)

Was He Going To Cheat On Me Dating Question

We're on a roll about cheating this week, so I decided to go with it and post a question that showed up in my mailbox a day or two ago; one that I hear a lot of variations of in the dating forums.

Lynn asks: I have been dating this guy for about a year and a half. We have a really good relationship together. We have plans to move in together. But before we do that, I wanted to make sure he wouldn't cheat on me. So I created a fake Facebook profile and added him. We chatted for a bit then asked to meet. I spoke with him the same night he was about to meet the fake person I created. He told me that he was going to take a nap about a minute before he had the date with the fake girl. I went to the place he was going to meet her and waited for him. He showed up. I asked him what he was doing there and he said, "Oh well I knew it was you all along." I know he's lying to me. He's a great guy and everything I ever wanted in a guy. Should I forgive him? Can we look past this?

Bonny's answer: There are so many things to address in this question, I'm not sure where to start - so let's begin with the obvious: if you cannot trust a man, then why on earth would you want to move in with him? And if you have to 'test' to see if he'll be faithful, how 'great' can the relationship really be?

I've noticed a common fear among many young women these days: the fear that their partner will lie to them, betray them, and/or cheat on them. And guess what? It happens. A lot. But there are also a lot of men who have no issue with commitment, no issue with giving their word (and keeping it), and who won't give you any reason to question their loyalty to you. If those are the kinds of things that are important to you in a relationship, why wouldn't you seek out a man who can provide them, without having to test him using carefully created traps?

I realize that none of what I'm saying here answers your question, but what you're asking isn't something I can answer for you. Why? Because (a) he's obviously not everything you want in a man (if you truly believe he was lying to you), and (b) the question isn't whether or not you can forgive him, but rather if he should forgive you. Because who wants to go through a relationship wondering whether or not they are being questioned constantly, or told they are a liar? Either you trust this man or you don't, and if you don't, its time to let you both move on.

But what do you think readers? Should Lynn forgive her partner? Do you think what she did was called for, or 'right'?

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(Published: Sat, 21 May 2011 00:41:18 +0000)

Would You Tell Your Partner You Cheated?

An overheard conversation about a magazine article got me thinking the other day about cheating and betrayal in dating relationships. Specifically, an article that a friend of a friend recently read stated that one of the newest dating rules was that you didn't tell your partner if you'd cheated, as it would only add to the pain on both sides. Rather, the article suggested (as told to me second hand), if you were remorseful for your actions and knew you'd never do it again, there was no reason to share with your partner about the unfaithfulness.

Although I kind of, sort of, get what the article was getting at (why stir the pot if the issue has been resolved already?), why would any relationship 'expert' tell people that betraying their partner was acceptable behavior? Sure, coming forward might end the dating relationship, but it might also strengthen things after the initial shock. In fact, I know of several folks whose relationships were better off after having been cheated on, serving as a wake up call to all parties with regards to what wasn't working.

Which isn't to say I condone cheating, or that I feel cheating is a good thing for a relationship - I most definitely do not. But I know I'd much rather know if my partner had betrayed me than be left in the dark, so I could (at the very least) make an informed decision about my next step.

But what about you? Do you think that its ok not to tell your partner that you cheated, especially if you've learned from the experience and it will never happen again? Or, if your partner cheated on you, would you want them to tell you?

Related:

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(Published: Wed, 18 May 2011 13:42:51 +0000)

Are Niche Dating Sites Getting Too Specific?

UglySchmucks. Date For Change. Military Hotspot. Millionaire Cougar. What do these dating sites all have in common? All were submitted to About.com's dating site database in the past few months, and all provide some form of matchmaking services to a niche group of single people.

I'm amazed by the inventiveness, yet sometimes wonder if there's enough of a market to promote these kinds of hyper-specialized dating sites, especially if they aren't free. In my Online Dating How-To, I suggest signing up with at least one dating site that offers a large database of other singles, plus maybe one or two niche sites (depending on whether they're free or not). I'm not saying you want to spend $60+ a month on dating site subscriptions, but rather focus on the kinds of places that will net you the highest quality matches for whatever kind of relationship you're after. For some, that might include a host of highly targeted dating sites

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(Published: Sun, 15 May 2011 03:32:14 +0000)

What Kind Of Dating Information Do You Want The Most?

At the suggestion of a colleague I am asking the readers of this blog to fill out a short poll. Although the language is based around the free dating newsletter this site offers, the information the newsletter is filled with comes directly from this dating information site. Therefore, the question is essentially the same: what kind of content do you want, or need the most from this site?

Do you enjoy taking the love quizzes, or would you rather read general how-to's about dating? Is maneuvering the art of meeting someone more up your alley, or would you rather learn more about long term relationships? Or are you like many others, who find the dating advice Q&A's the most intriguing part of this site, or

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(Published: Fri, 13 May 2011 23:51:50 +0000)

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