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About Dating Update About Dating  
RSS 6 |  About Dating

Lying Online

I've found that a select few singles lie about their height, weight, age, marital status (or other demographic information) online, but that in general most people are honest regarding who they are. Now, that isn't saying that people use photos on their online dating profiles that are truthful (or at the very least, recent), and a recent OkCupid study found that the hotter the online dating photo, the more likely it was an older picture.

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(Published: Wed, 17 Aug 2011 00:17:41 +0000)

My First Date

It's a tricky thing, defining your very first date. Was it the first time someone kissed me romantically (grade 3 at summer camp), or when someone actually used the word 'date' when asking me to go for coffee (not until I was 26)? I've shared my definition of dating in a prior blog post, so I'm going to put it to the test here and share my first date story. In turn, I'd love to hear yours as well, and how you decided it was your very first date.

My first date took place when I was in Grade 8 and sleeping away from home for the weekend at a Youth for Global Awareness Conference. The boys and girls were separated into dorms at the local University, and after the main events took place most of the attendees retired to one of the dorm's chill rooms to watch TV, sing, talk or generally act silly. I distinctly remember Midnight Oil's 'Beds are Burning' playing behind me when a boy by the name of Jakob walked over and told me I had cute knees. It took me a while to realize he was making a play on my last name (Albo), so he pointed to my elbow and asked, "Are they bony too?" This time, the play on my first name (Bonny) got me laughing.

Jakob then asked me if I wanted to come with him and a few other folks who were heading down to the beach for a bonfire. I jumped up, took the hand he'd extended toward me, and ran out the door with him to join his friends from a local school. I saw one of my classmates on the way down to the beach, and she decided to join us as well.

I didn't know how far the beach was, or how treacherous the walk would be, and if I'd known I probably wouldn't have agreed to the trek. It was dark, and under the cover of thick, old, massive trees, it was cold and difficult to see much of anything. I fell a few times on the tree branch stairs before Jakob found me, grabbed my hand, and escorted me the 30 or so minutes down the trail.

A few people sang as we walked, and others chatted quietly. Jakob and I said nothing, but he stroked my hand gently as we moved. After a while we fell into a rhythmic pattern with our breathing and footsteps in synch. Occasionally the moon would poke out from behind the upper tree branches, and Jakob would squeeze my hand and pull me faster toward the bonfire. Once, when I tripped and almost fell over what seemed like a high ledge, Jakob pulled me to my feet swiftly and then kissed me on the lips. I wasn't expecting it, and I blushed immediately. By that point, I wasn't tripping anymore because I couldn't see, but because I was giddy and shaking with excitement.

When we go to the bottom, a gorgeously long sandy beach awaited us with about 20 other kids already dancing and sitting around the fire. I moved away from the group and sat on a piece of driftwood. There were faint lights along the water, perhaps from boats moored out in the ocean but mostly likely from an island that I couldn't see. I sat by myself for a while, comfortable to enjoy the evening air solo. Jakob joined me a few minutes later with two female friends and introduced us all. I don't remember their names, but the two girls and I were pen pals for several years after that first meeting on the beach, and I still have some of their handwritten letters socked away today.

Somehow the conversation moved to gender and sexuality, and Jakob mentioned that he was gay. He held me hand as he said it, and looked deeply into my eyes like only the naive and young seem apt to do. The air seemed thick with romanticism. Many years later I learned about pansexuality and immediately thought of Jakob, but at the time it had no bearing. He was beautiful to me with his long, thick blond hair, clear blue eyes and steady hand holding mine. I didn't care what gender he was attracted to. I just knew I was attracted to him.

The group of talked for hours it seemed, while occasionally I'd see someone head back up the trail out of the corner of my eye. Within a few hours most people had left, including one of the girls sitting with us. We moved closer to the fire to keep warm, but not before Jakob turned to me and announced he had a poem he wanted to share. I don't remember the exact words, but I remember something about love and the ocean while feeling sad and melancholy after hearing it.

When the sun came up we sat quietly and watched it, and then told each other we'd all stay in touch after this night no matter what. Jakob and I didn't kiss again, but he did hold my hand the whole way up to the residence, and then spent most of his weekend with me when we weren't at the conference.

The four of us (Jakob, the two girls and myself) wrote letters to each other every week for several years. Slowly however Jakob's letters dwindled, until I stopped receiving them late in Grade 10. One of the girls sent me a note about six months later to tell me Jakob had tried to hurt himself. That was the last I heard from any of them.

A sad ending perhaps, but still a date that I'll cherish forever. Would Jakob have called it a date? I'm not sure really, but even if he didn't, it was still one of the most romantic nights of my life.

So readers, how about you? Tell us about your first date, what made it special, silly, fun, or not-to-be-repeated? Did you have to think about what you considered as your first date, or was it an easy choice?

Many Guides are talking about their first time doing something related to their topic of expertise today. Interested in hearing more? Check out all the My First Time entries care of our inaugural host,'s Guide to Beer, Bryce Eddings.

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(Published: Mon, 08 Aug 2011 11:59:39 +0000)

Would You Leave Your Partner If They Gained Weight?

AskMen spoke to 70,000 of their male readers recently, asking them a slew of questions about their girlfriends, sex lives, and dating preferences. One of the more shocking results (in my opinion) was the question regarding their partner's weight - namely, if their partner gained weight during the relationship, would they end things?

The AskMen readers were split almost 50/50 between a yes/no answer, with the no vote winning by a slight 4% margin. Surprising? For me, yes, but it also lead to a host of other questions. Would women asked the same question answer in the same vein? How old were the men in the survey? How long were these men in a relationship (if at all) and had they ever actually ended a relationship because their partner gained 'too much' weight? How much is too much weight to gain before ending things?

So dear readers, I'm asking you: how much is too much weight? Is a relationship doomed when one of you gains weight?

Related: How Much Do Looks Matter?, Would You Date Someone Who Is Plain?, Is He Interested Quiz.

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(Published: Thu, 04 Aug 2011 12:37:01 +0000)

Is There A Right Way To Ask The Moving In Question?

Last week I walked into a local retail store and the owner struck up a conversation with me. "What do you do for a living?" she asked. When I answered, her eyes lit up and she started to tell me about a friend of hers whose 6 month long boyfriend had popped the moving in question the night before. Her cautious response - could she think about it and maybe they could discuss it more later - was met with anger. Eventually, her bf decided to recant his offer because she "didn't immediately jump at the suggestion".

Here's the thing: sure, there is something to be said for being impulsive, acting in the moment and letting passion reign. Telling someone "I love you," is a leap of faith, and asking someone about moving in is a similar proposition. You have to know the person really well, or at least know they really need a place to stay. (Ok, I'm joking on that last one, but it's not that uncommon either in today's economic climate).

So although I understand the gent's reaction and disappointment, I didn't understand his recanting the moving in offer. Perhaps he felt he had jumped the gun a bit and was embarrassed, but I didn't hear enough of the story to be sure. I did however applaud the woman in the equation for standing her ground. She wasn't bullied or coerced into making a decision she wasn't ready to. And frankly, it's doubtful the gent had never though of her moving in before the conversation took place either; he likely stewed it over for some time before he asked. So why shouldn't the person moving in be offered the same courtesy? Moving in is a huge decision, especially after only six months of dating.

I've got to stop by the store again to hear what the outcome was of the moving in conversation, but I'm curious as to what you all think. Do you think there is a right way to ask the moving in question, and if so, what is it? Do you think this man was in error, and do you feel the woman in the relationship did the right thing?

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(Published: Sun, 31 Jul 2011 16:38:53 +0000)

Is It Ok For Her To Oogle? Reader Dating Question

Jeff asks: "Me and my girlfriend have been dating for nearly four months now. Throughout the whole time I've noticed that when we are together she often oogles other guys. She rarely stares long because if she does she knows I will see her looking. I've confronted her about it once before but it still happens. There is one guy in particular that she seems fond of and it bugs me. What should I do? What does this mean? Is she losing interest? Am I wrong for being upset about this?"

My opinion? You're taking things a bit too seriously. Do you not oogle women at all when you're out and about? Sure, she could be a bit more respectful if she's oogling guys in front of you non-stop, especially if you've mentioned it to her before. But in the grand scheme of life, she's being appreciative of others and not much more.

Now, if she's leering and can't keep her eyes off every hot guy that walks by or if she ignores you completely for five or more minutes at a time to oogle someone - then there's a problem. But you even say she doesn't "do it for long" because you believe she's trying to be respectful to you. To me, that says a lot, and in a positive way. Her natural tendency (from what you've shared) is to oogle other guys, but she's trying to reign it in for you.

Does this spell disaster for your relationship? It could if it matters so much to you that the behavior has to stop cold turkey for you to feel appreciated by your girlfriend - and this is perfectly acceptable if that's a requirement for you, just be aware it may not be something your girlfriend can give you. Some people are natural flirts and others are naturally appreciative. If the oogling is coming in between the two of you to the point of you considering ending things, or if it makes you wonder if she's looking elsewhere, try turning the tables for a day. Don't say anything, but when the two of you are out and about one day, oogle as many women as she does men in the exact same way. If she notices and says something, shrug your shoulders and give her the same response she gave you when you confronted her on the topic. She'll likely get the hint and work harder to change her own behavior. And if she doesn't? Then you know there is a major incompatibility between the two of you (to oogle is acceptable for her but not for you), and it may be time to reconsider your four month long relationship.

What do you think readers? Do you agree or disagree? Have you been in this situation? What did you do?

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(Published: Thu, 28 Jul 2011 11:55:42 +0000)

Dating Your Best Friend's Girl Reader Question

A gent who asked me to refer to him as "stricken" has written in asking for some advice about how he can turn a platonic relationship with his best friend's friends with benefits into a dating relationship for himself. Or in other words, he's looking to ask out the woman who his best friend has been intimate with for the past year.

Stricken says: "My best friend for many years has a friend with benefits he has been seeing for a little under a year now. He met her through a mutual friend and they drunkenly hooked up one night and continued the trend to this day. From the day I met this girl I have been crazy about her. Seeing her has been few and far between but when I do it makes my weak. She's gorgeous, funny, amazing personality, basically the whole package. Today me, this girl, my friend and another mutual friend spent the day together and me and this girl and I really hit it off. She completely ignored my friend and spend the entire day flirting and joking with me. When we split off she called me and we spent about 3 hours talking on the phone. I'm completely convinced she feels the same way about me that I feel about her. Now my best friend was recently talking to me about seeing if he could actually date this girl or not and my advice on it. I am a loyal friend and don't want to do anything that would jeopardize our friendship but I als can't get this girl out of my head. Do I just forget about her because there is no way of making this transition? The only thing I can think of that would make this work is if I can get him to date someone else soon and then I could move in on this girl. Any other ideas?

So readers, what advice do you have for Stricken?

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(Published: Sun, 24 Jul 2011 02:07:43 +0000)

Can I Make Him Want More Than Friends With Benefits?

Melanie asks: I am 20, single and am seeing this 24-year-old guy named Adam. When we met a month ago we went on a date to go see a movie, and it was obvious that we liked each other. Our second date we went to his house, watched a movie and then became friends with benefits. About 20 days ago and handful of dates later, and I told him that I wanted a relationship with him because I liked him so much, and that friends with benefits wasn't working for me anymore. His response? "I'm not looking for a relationship."

Two days ago I asked him out, but he replied quite angrily, "I already told you I don't want a relationship!" Yet just before I asked him out he said he thought about me the day before, and that he wanted to cuddle with me even though he normally hates it.

I really want a relationship with Adam and not just a friends with benefits relationship! Is there any way I can convince him?

Bonny's response: It's highly unlikely that you'll ever get more from this guy other that what you've already had. If you want more than friends with benefits, it's time to end the interaction and find someone who wants the same thing you do, as he's been very clear with you that he's not interested in anything else. Try next time you meet someone you're attracted to and interested in to be upfront from the start about what you're looking for. In the meantime? Forget about this guy. Don't call, email, text or otherwise get in contact with him. Don't reply to his obviously disrespectful requests - you don't want just sex while he's pushing for it - and invest your energy into meeting someone who is on the same page and respectful of your needs.

But you tell me readers: can Melanie turn this friends with benefits relationship into something more? If so, how? If no, why not? Or, share your friends with benefits story.

Another reader Friends with Benefits question

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(Published: Fri, 22 Jul 2011 02:00:51 +0000)

Reader Question About Attraction For Married Coworker

Jennifer asks: "I need tips and hints for an attraction I have to a co-worker that's married. He's made comments to me and to others at work that things are not great at home. I don't want to be a home wrecker but I also don't want to pass on a chance with a great guy. We've only flirted with each other, nothing serious has been said or done between us."

Jennifer, I'm going to be frank with you, and I'll hazard a guess you won't like my response by the way you've phrased your question. But here it is: there are oodles of single, available, attractive, 'great' guys. Why would you put yourself out there for someone who is obviously, completely unavailable, and may never be anything else as it stands now?

It sounds like there is a lot going on behind the scenes with this gentleman, most of which already says a lot about who he is, and what kind of person he'll be in a relationship: he openly talks to coworkers about his personal issues (would you want him to blab about the two of you at the office?), and he is using the attraction between you to take the edge off of the unhappiness in his marriage (would you feel comfortable if he flirted with other coworkers when things were rough, if you ever got together?).

Even so, he's not available. You've stated you don't want to be a home wrecker - so don't be. If his marriage ends, let it be because it wasn't meant to be and not because of temptation from elsewhere. If they do separate, and if you're still single a year after that happens, then you can think about acting on your attraction. Until then? Put him out of your mind, ponder why you'd choose someone who is unavailable, focus on the things that make you feel amazing about yourself, and work on meeting someone and/or attracting a guy who is ready and able to give you the kind of relationship you deserve from the start.

Related: Attracting Positive Relationships, Attract A Love Relationship Using Feng Shui, When Not To Date.

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(Published: Wed, 20 Jul 2011 17:04:46 +0000)

Money Ain't No Thing...

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(Published: Fri, 15 Jul 2011 02:41:01 +0000)

What Breakup Songs Do You Like?

I've found myself a tad brokenhearted of late. Whenever that happens, I usually crave hard-hitting, raw songs that really resonate with how I'm feeling. If I can stomp around to it while walking about getting some fresh air, it's usually a winner in my books.

A couple of CDs in particular have helped me through heartache in the past, namely Alanis Morrisette's Jagged Little Pill and Low Millions' Ex-Girlfriends (although lead singer Adam Cohen's debut CD Cry Ophelia also has some appropriate tracks). There is something about their lyricism and gut-wrenching honesty that I find not only refreshing but comforting. Yet other friends of mine prefer songs that offer a bit of softness; something gentle and kind that we can cry to, remember with fondly, or otherwise pamper ourselves while coping with a breakup.

What breakup songs have helped you? Do you have favorites that you lean on when the going gets rough? Why those songs?

Related: Feel Better After A Breakup, Kick Bad Habits After A Breakup, What Not To Do After A Breakup

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(Published: Tue, 12 Jul 2011 02:26:19 +0000)

Keeping Safe Online

I've noticed a larger than average number of bad online dating stories hitting the news of late discussing court cases related to online daters who abused the system and cheated someone out of money, sex, intimacy, household items, or more nefarious things I'd rather not go into here.

For instance, the Brisbane Times ran an article about 47-year old Des Campbell, a single-parent widower who claimed to be a childless divorcee to seduce dozens of women into sexual relationships, and who was questioned at the inquest of his wife's death.

Although there is no way to keep yourself absolutely safe when meeting people - whether from an online dating site or a random stranger on the street - there are some tactics I'd highly recommend to anyone wanting to avoid these kinds of situations, and they all have to do with timing.

When meeting someone initially from an online dating site, many people wait too long to meet someone they feel a spark with. It's a simple concept really: the longer you wait to meet someone, the less real-world information you have about them. Body language, the tone of their voice and chemistry are all removed from the decision-making process, and in its place an element of fantasy comes into play. Instead, if you meet someone online you feel connected to, try and meet them within the week of first interacting for a quick first date.

The other issue of dating timing stems from getting to know someone too quickly and assuming information not already proven. Fiction writers know the adage, "Show, don't tell," by heart, and you should too when meeting someone from an online dating site. Pay more attention to what your date does than what they say to get a better indication of who they are. Then, allow yourself more than enough time to really get to know a person before sharing any identifying information, such as where you work or your home phone number. Jumping into something can be a heady, exhilarating treat, but what if the consequences far outweigh the short-term fun?

What do you think? What do you do that's out of the ordinary to keep yourself safe when meeting someone new? Or, does staying safe when meeting folks even cross your mind?

Related: Reader-Suggested Safe Dating Tips, How To Find a Safe Dating Site, Number Cloak Service, Signs of an Online Dating Scam.

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(Published: Sun, 10 Jul 2011 21:21:13 +0000)

Do You Google Your Date?

In an online world where everyone is truly connected within six degrees or less, Susi Weaser made an interesting point on her blog, DollyMix: watch how much personal information you share with your date, and be even more careful with how you tell your friends about said date.

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(Published: Fri, 08 Jul 2011 06:11:57 +0000)

Solo Travel as a Means to Meet People

Ever wanted to take a vacation but hated the idea of going somewhere exotic, alone? I've opted not to travel too much for this reason alone, as I'd much rather share the journey with someone I care about and can talk about the great experiences for years to come. But, with the influx of travel companies catering to solo travelers in the past couple of years, being single isn't an excuse any more. Now, companies like Singles Cruises and Meet Market Adventures cater to not only people who prefer to travel by themselves, but singles looking to meet someone special while on the journey.

I personally think this is an excellent idea, and would love to try it. What about you? Have you attended a singles travel event, or met someone while traveling as a single person? Would you recommend it to other singles?

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(Published: Wed, 06 Jul 2011 00:06:05 +0000)

Fake Dating Site Warns of STD Risk

An unusual marketing campaign by Canadian Alberta Health Services educates youth about the risks of syphillis by using a fake STD dating site, displaying 'members' with sores and rashes looking for casual sex.

PlentyOfSyph (a play on popular free dating site Plenty of Fish) looks like a normal dating site until you try to sign up. With slick, tongue-in-cheek videos and ads, 'members' prominently display their stage of syphilis and what they want in a sex partner, as well as unsafe sex practices and what symptoms they currently struggle with. The first tip-off for me was that only Albertans can sign up, as well as the lowered acceptable age range for members of 16 and up. It didn't take me long however to determine that the site was more of a public service announcement than legitimate, as evidenced by the popup when I tried to contact someone: "Interesting choice; you've selected a secondary stager. Too bad you won't have a choice of where the wart-like rashes will pop up on your body."

What do you think about health organizations using fake dating sites as a means to connect with youth to discuss casual dating and the risks of unprotected sex? Does it dilute the message from real STD dating sites that want to serve the market with dignity and respect?

Related: Would You Date Someone With an STD?, What Are The Symptoms of Syphilis?, Safe Sex Passport, STD Chats.

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(Published: Tue, 05 Jul 2011 01:16:06 +0000)

Does Speed Dating Work?

Since 1989 when the first ever speed dating event took place, speed dating has become not only a fantastic way to meet a lot of eligible singles in a short period of time, but a money-maker for numerous companies looking to capitalize on the hordes of singles in want of a mate.

I've personally had mixed experiences with speed dating, with most of my positive experiences coming from companies who cared more about their members' success than the number of people in attendance or the kind of media an event may attract - but that's just me. I'm interested in hearing other people's experiences with speed dating, and what companies you'd recommend - and why. So you tell me: does speed dating work, and what are your experiences with it?

Related: What Is Speed Dating?, How To Speed Date, Reviews of Speed Dating Companies, Smell Dating For Speed Daters?

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(Published: Sun, 03 Jul 2011 05:29:00 +0000)

What Makes a Woman Sexy?

I read an article a few years back in Women's Health (Buy Direct) that talked about the male viewpoint of what makes a woman sexy. In a nutshell? It's all about the moments where women don't go out of their way to be sexy but rather when they just

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(Published: Wed, 29 Jun 2011 15:14:08 +0000)

The Perks of Dating a Single Parent

There's a lot of information on the 'net about how/when/if to date a single parent, and just as much content focuses on how to get back into the dating game after divorce, kids, or both. But who actually talks about the perks of dating single moms and dads?

So here is my personal list of the perks of dating a single parent. If you think I've missed an important point, then its your turn to add some perks in the comment field.

  • A single parent is less likely to waste your time, since they (probably) had to pay for child care or have their ex watch their child(ren) to go on a date with you.

  • Most single parents won't be pushing for a serious relationship early on, so as to avoid having their child(ren) involved unnecessarily.

  • On the flip side of the last perk, if the single parent you are dating has sole or shared custody, you can safely assume their commitment issues are minimal to nonexistent.

  • Single parents are some of the most patient people out there. They are also - by necessity - some of the most organized.

  • Becoming a parent is an evolutionary process; it changes people. Caring, tenderness, reliability and stability are all traits that, if not held prior to having kids, frequently appear after having children.

  • Single parents just don't have time for drama. You'll find few that play games.

  • You know that if a single parent wants to move towards a serious relationship with you, they've really vetted the relationship before taking the next step. Once bitten, twice shy lends itself well to this example.
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(Published: Tue, 28 Jun 2011 00:12:46 +0000)

Am I Dating a Liar? Dating Question

Fred asks: I'm 32, and I've been dating the same woman for the past two years. I love her, I think she's incredible, but I'm just learning now she's a pathological liar. For instance? She has a twelve-year-old daughter, but I've never heard of the child until recently. She's also told me she was raped, but that turned out to be a lie too. I really do care for this woman, but I'm confused and don't know what to do. Help?

So dear readers, do you have any suggestions for this gentleman who is torn between the truth and his partnership?

Related: He Lied About Contacting Other Women, What Do We Lie About Online?, Study Says People Lie More Via Email, Trust in New Relationships Dating Question.

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(Published: Sat, 25 Jun 2011 14:12:11 +0000)

Dating Disasters

We've all had them: you spent the whole night flinging your arms about telling your date tales of yonder, just to find out after you got home that your antiperspirant stopped working after five minutes into the evening. Your date went to the bathroom and never came back. You plan a special evening with your sweetie at a romantic jazz club, but when you get there your ex is there. And he's proposing. To the gal he cheated on you with.

My most mortifying dating disaster occurred while in line for drinks at a Grey Cup game. I got to the till with my date, who proceeded to order - but the gent behind the till only had eyes for me. Or, better, had eyes for my chest. Before I knew what he was doing, he yanked on a metal wire that was poking out between two buttons on my shirt - my bra's underwire. "What's this?!" he hooted at me. I quickly grabbed the C-shaped wire and twirled it around my fingers like it was an odd-shaped necklace. "Thanks! I was looking for that," I said. My date laughed uproariously, and we proceeded to have a lovely evening. Phew.

Not every dating disaster has to end with misfortune, and not every dating problem has to be stressful. Some readers and celebrities (including a headliner on The Bachelor) shared their stories in my Dating Disasters article, showing that you can deal with a sticky situation with class and humor. Have a bad dating story of your own to share? Feel free to tell us all the gory details: Share Your Bad Date Story

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(Published: Wed, 22 Jun 2011 02:17:49 +0000)

How Do You Know When You're In Love?

I don't get this question often from older folks (i.e. past their mid-twenties usually), but once in a while I get a dating question from a gent in his early

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(Published: Sun, 19 Jun 2011 14:33:11 +0000)

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